3 Examples of Caregiver Guilt and How To Cope With Them

February 28, 2021

3 Examples of Caregiver Guilt and How To Cope With Them

Caregiver guilt is unavoidable on the dementia journey. Here are some common examples you may encounter and tips to help work through them.

1. Losing Your Temper

At times, it may feel as though your loved one is deliberately pushing your buttons. No matter how often you give them an answer, they have the same questions again and again. You ask them not to do something only to turn around and find them doing that very thing. You endure countless accusations ranging from stealing to lying, or the ultimate insult, the ideas that you don’t care about them. When you find yourself at your breaking point, you may find yourself verbally lashing out in defense, quickly followed by tremendous guilt when tempers have cooled. This is completely understandable. One of the most important mantras to remember in dementia care is this: “The person with dementia is not giving you a hard time, the person with dementia is having a hard time.” Before you lose your temper, take a deep breath and remember these words. It may also be helpful to simply leave the room for a few minutes to take some deep breaths and calm your nerves. Come back when you’re ready, understanding that what you’re seeing and hearing is the disease and not a personal attack on you.


guilt ridden caregiver

2. Wanting Time Alone or With Others

Caregiving is an exhausting job, seemingly with no end. You feel trapped by the all-consuming job of caring for a person with dementia. You rarely leave home, you see your friends less and less, and your life sometimes feels like it is not your own anymore. And yet you probably feel guilty for wanting time to yourself or with friends. But it is vital to your mental health to make time for self-care. Caregiver burnout is a very real and dangerous outcome if you don’t make your own health a priority. And when your own health takes a turn for the worse, your loved one will inevitably suffer. Prioritize regular “me time” each week. Plan for longer breaks by utilizing respite care services, home health care, or other trusted friends and family who can step in for a few hours or a few days. Your well-being and that of your loved one depends on it.

3. Moving Your Loved One into Full-Time Memory Care

This is by far the toughest and most complex decision a caregiver will make on the dementia journey. You feel guilt for not being able to do it all yourself. Consider this: it takes THREE full shifts of multiple caregivers to do what you were doing all by yourself. You may feel guilt when you see your loved one improve under someone else’s care. Consider this: a memory care community is built exclusively for this purpose and memory care staff is specially trained in this area of expertise and for many, this is their calling. You never planned to be a caregiver and you did the very best you could with the resources you had. You feel guilty for going back to a “normal” way of life. Consider this: first, dementia fundamentally changes the entire family forever – there is no “normal” after diagnosis. Second, when you were the primary caregiver, your primary goal was to give your loved one a good life where they were loved and well cared for, so why wouldn’t you wish the same for yourself? They would certainly want the same for you if the roles were reversed. You both deserve happiness.